I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE: MY JOURNEY FROM FROM SILENCE TO STRENGTH

By Jennie (Shatter the Silence Blog)

 

I was just a teenager when I met him. He was the football and wrestling star, to me he seemed like the dream. At first, he brought me flowers and cards. He made me feel so special. Six months in, I found out I was pregnant-and that’s when the dream started to unravel.

It started with small things. He threatened to do something to my friend’s car so I couldn’t leave. I thought it was cute at the time- “Wow, he really loves me.” I told myself. I didn’t know it was the beginning of control disguised as love.

Year after year, things got worse. I wasn’t allowed to work, go to the gym with him (because he caught a guy looking at me.), or even wear make-up. Again, I thought it meant that he really loved me. I thought jealousy was love. Without having a job I had no money and no say in anything. Everything- our home, the car, the finances- were in his name. I became invisible. Even our three-year-old picked up his words and started calling me stupid. And then, the physical abuse began. Punched, thrown down, slammed up against a wall, he even threatened to slice my face with a razor blade so no one would look at me anymore.

I was a prisoner in my own home, walking on eggshells, hoping that if I just did everything right, things would go back to the way they were at the beginning. I stayed for 15 years. Through the cheating, the manipulation, the fear- I stayed because I thought if I just loved him enough, he’d change. 

But abusers don’t want love.

They want control.

When I finally started speaking up, he couldn’t handle it. And when I left, I lost everything-our home, the car, and worst of all, my children. I was so afraid of him I couldn’t even fight back. I had to grow up and start all over from scratch. 

But eventually, I got my kids back. That was the turning point. Still, it’s been over 20 years since I left, and the damage didn’t disappear when the relationship ended. I still struggle with confidence. With self-worth. With trust. 

That’s why I started this blog-to heal, to grow, and to help others do the same.

If you’re reading this and you’re in a situation like mine, or if you’ve been there and you’re still trying to rebuild your life- you are not alone.

We may not have chosen our trauma, but we get to choose our healing. This is my choice. This is my voice. And maybe it can help you find yours too.

With love,

Jennie